The Burn

The burn. The pain. That’s what I miss most of all in times like these. When I first met him it was everything to me. A light in a very dark place. As time grew along, I started to realize that what I thought was a light in the dark was just a different kind of darkness. Who would have thought that a person that is supposed to love you no matter what will hurt you the most. The biggest problem with this is that I allow it to happen without stop. I tried once to leave to know what real love is but he pulled me back with the tricks and charms just to shatter me once more. I suffer from depression. I judge myself harder than anyone. Growing up being told I’m not good enough or pretty enough damaged me. Even at 32 years of age I still hear it from the people who claim to love me. Age 15 is the first taste I had of the burning pain that would control my life. The first time I picked up that blade. The first time I let something take control of my life. At age 19 is when I picked up my old friend once again. Looking at both my arms I remember what the scars stand for. How and when did my life get so out of control that I let this happen? Where was the so called family that claimed they loved me? Where was the friends that swore they’ll always be there? Nowhere! I’m destined to be alone. Age 25 getting married but now wondering was it for love or to just settle? I know I just settled. The pain is always there. Darkness to pull me under to drown me no matter what. To never know what or how love is supposed to feel. A longing I’ll never fill in my heart and soul. How can you overcome this? How does someone not drown in this current of loneliness that is forever my life? How do you stop adding to the level of water that won’t go away?